Paradoxon
by Nandui
Summary: There are so many time travelling stories about the Enterprise crew and esp. the Captain and his CMO. Let s play with the what if s. What if they went back into the past and stayed? What if they started a family and changed the timeline? Would there even be a Cpt. Jean-Luc Picard in the future? What would he be like? This is his story. (AU)
1. Nightmares

This is my first fanfic. I hope it´s not too crazy and you enjoy my ideas. Have fun :-)

I don´t own TNG. I´m just playing.

**Paradoxon**

I´m running down a long corridor. They are after me I can feel it. The gazes and stares from their eyes and optical implants are almost penetrating my back. Footsteps are getting closer. Faster. I need to get away from them, need to find shelter. There is only one place I can go to. One place where they can´t reach me. It is not here. I need to find it.

"Locutus." their voices echo in my head. They´re almost at me. They must not get me. I need to run. I need to move faster. It hurts. My legs are heavy. I can barely move my feet anymore. "Locutus, resistance is futile." I hear her saying to me. Her cruel laughter sends shivers down my spine. "Come to me, my dear." she whispers seductively "my love."

"Nooo!" I scream and start running again. My feet are almost unable to carry my weight. I can´t give in. She must not get me. Whatever it takes to protect my soul I must find a way to do so. The risk´s too high. I turn around a corner. The room is full of drones. So many of them. I can´t get past them. Their arms are reaching out to me, try to grab me, try to drag me back to her. Desperately I turn around again.

Panic is raging through my body. I lose control. She´s so strong. I need to be stronger. On the right side, almost next to me, I spot a small alcove. I stop my tracks and dive into it and a wave of relief is washing over me. I´ve found it. I´ve found the darkness. I am safe.

I wake up with a start. My eyes shoot up and I frantically start checking my bedroom. I´m sure I´ve heard a ripping sound a few moments ago but I´m not sure if it was real or I´d dreamed it. I´m still breathing heavily and my skin feels clammy. The nightmares are getting on to me pretty hard. It´s been only a few days after my recovery from turning into Locutus and back into me again. I feel hallow and heavy all the same. I can´t find no rest and when I finally fall asleep they are with me all over again.

They. I shake my head. I can´t even call them by name. They have a name. They are the Borg. To my they are just They. It´s hard to deal with my memories of Them. Even now I can´t shut them out. They are with me all the time. When I´m awake their voices are still echoing in my head. When I walk down the corridors my crew members often seem to look like drones when I see them from the corner of my eyes.

I´m frightened all the time. When someone walks close to me I almost jump in panic. Of course I don´t do it but to remain calm takes all the mental strength I can muster, and I don´t feel very strong at the moment. It is worse when I finally find some sleep. The nightmares are hunting me. Sometimes I just run away as I did right before I woke up. Sometimes I´m assimilated all over again and sometimes I´m reliving the destruction of the fleet.

It was me who gave the orders. It was my knowledge of tactics that offered Them all they needed to win the battle. Almost, I remind myself. In the end they came for me. My crew saved me and with the help of Data and Deanna I was even allowed to even the odds.

I should feel lucky to have the privilege to come back. I should feel proud... no I can´t even allow myself to think that word. I am a worm, a whimsy miserable excuse of a living being. So many people have died. Their blood is on my hands and always will be. They say it´s not my fault. I couldn´t have done anything about it. I was ready when my time had come and I had fought back. Sleep was my command. The only command Will needed. Sleep.

Now They are dead, as well as the many crews I helped killing not so long ago. I knew many of them. Some of the fallen officers have been my friends. They´re all gone. All but me. After all I´ve done I don´t deserve to live. I could have stopped Them, you know. I had the means, the knowledge and the opportunity to do so. All I needed was the courage to do so, but in the end I faltered.

What if it went wrong? What if it wasn´t enough? They would have found out about me. They would have disclosed the secret I desperately tried to keep. The risk was too high, or was it?I take a deep breath and let it out very slowly. I feel a bit lightheaded but it´s ok. Everything is better than feeling guilty horrified humiliated abused ashamed...shall I continue?

I sit up and switch on the lights in my bedroom. I look down at my lab and frown. My blanket is torn. I guess I must have ripped it apart while I was sleeping. I sigh deeply and let myself fall back onto my pillow. The stars are shining brightly into my cabin. If there was something as a merciful god out there I pray to it to take my broken soul so it can rest and heal. I shut the lights again and close my eyes. Darkness is engulfing me again. I feel safe. At least a bit.


	2. Comeuppance

I strip off my clothes and step into the shower. After my nightmare I stayed in bed for quite some time but as hard as I tried I couldn't go back to sleep. It doesn't matter. It's 0600 already. In about two hours Deanna will be visiting me so I decided to get up and try to have breakfast. The shower feels good. I look at my feet and watch the water running down the sink. I pick up my soap and wash myself thoroughly. I imagine washing away my past along with the sweat on my skin and get clean of everything.

My thoughts wander back in time. An image is forming in my mind. I see her face. She's so beautiful. She smiles at me. Her blue eyes shining brightly. She's gazing at me warmly. Her smile is so beautiful. I draw every line of her delicate face with my imaginary fingers. I touch her very long raven black hair that is falling in soft waves over her shoulders. I drink in her image and feel tears stinging in my eyes.

If she´d been with me I know things would have worked out quite differently. Together we would have fought Them. They´d never even had a chance to transport someone off the ship let alone assimilating me or anybody else of my crew. When I've lost her a part of me, the bigger part, was gone, too. I know I don't deserve her but I miss her so much.

"It's 0700 hours" The computer announces and I gasp. I was standing in the shower for almost an hour. Oh my! With a sigh I step out and grab a fresh towel from out of the drawer. Lately it happens quite often that I get lost in thoughts and lose track of time. I step into my bedroom and get dressed. Since I'm not cleared for duty, yet, or any time soon I decide for some comfortable civilian clothes. I put on my favourite trousers and a simple shirt. It fit very loosely a sure sign that I had lost weight.

I decide for a nice nutritious breakfast which means a large cup of coffee with extra cream and settle down on my couch. I'm not looking forward to this counselling sessions. Please don't get me wrong. Deanna Troi is a wonderful counsellor. She's a pleasant person with a wonderful sense of humor. Under different circumstances I would be pleased if she´d decided to visit me.

Right now things are a bit different. She wants me to talk about Them. She wants me to talk about the recent events. As if she couldn´t read the reports. She was there. She knew what happened. I growl grimly into my mug. She only wants to help I remind myself but the knowledge doesn't give me any comfort. What the hell should I tell her?

I'm Jean-Luc Picard named after my great ancestor Jean-Luc Picard who had helped establish first contact with the Vulcans back in the 21st century. In contrary to my all so honoured ancestors I am the black sheep in the family. I'm the one nobody likes to mention or talk about. Maybe they are right. After I messed up my life and lost everything I held dear. I accepted the position as CO of the Enterprise and guess what. I messed up as well. I laugh out loud. I guess they´d say we saw it coming.

=/\=

"You're in a grumpy mood today. I take it that's a good sign." Deanna announces teasingly while she makes herself comfortable on my couch. "Hmmpf." I reply and offer her the hot chocolate I've replicated for her. It's a peace-offering. Our meeting yesterday didn't went…let's say smoothly. She confronted me with Them, I backed away, she pushed, I freaked out and went back to my quarters. Thinking back I'd say it wasn't one of my finest moments.

"Sorry for last session." I say ruefully and I mean it. She thankfully takes the offered cup and blissfully takes in the sweet scent of her beverage. She gives me one of her warm and comfortable smiles. The one she only uses to demonstrate that everything is fine as long as one plays along her rules. "It's ok. I think I've pushed you a bit too hard as well." She takes a sip. "Hmmm, that's delicious."

I try not to grin too broadly at that sight. She looks up at me and arches her brows. "Don't underestimate the power of hot chocolate, Sir." I hold up my hands. "Of course not." "I've allowed myself to make minor adjustments with our counselling sessions. First I thought it might be better to meet at your place." She explains casually and takes another sip. "Oh? Well, yes. That's fine by me." I'd eat my pants if that's not the punishment for walking out on her.

She nods. "Good. I thought it might be easier for you to relax when you are in a familiar surroundings. And" she adds "this way you can't storm back to your quarters when you decide to finish earlier." She smirks and I taste defeat. "Well, sit down." she pads the seat next to her. "How do you feel today?" Deanna asks and the counselling session begins.


	3. Far from home

It's been a month now since my return from the Borg. Yes I call them by name again. I've been through countless of sessions with Deanna, my CMO had me checked what felt like twice a day, well truth be told it wasn't that often, and I have started to eat again. I even started to meet with other people again. My staff visited me often to keep me Riker invited me to their weekly poker game sessions and made sure I'd come.

Right now the Enterprise is back at Earth McKinley Station and undergoes some major repairs and a full overhaul. Many of my crew, yes to my greatest surprise I'm still the Captain, many of my crew are visiting their families and I have time to get in terms with my life. Hmmpf, my life. My life's still a mess. Even Deanna couldn't do that much about it. The nightmares are still with me every night. They have changed though. I'm still Locutus, I'm still running away trying to find my safe place in the darkness. The Borg Queen is still chasing me but her voice has changed. It is no longer her face that is hunting me through my dreams. Instead it's her. My dark-haired beauty. My lost love.

=/\=

"Captain, I will beam down to McKinley Station shortly. I will be gone to Betazed for only a few days. Are you sure that you'll be fine?" Deanna asks for I think the third time this morning. I walk over to her and give her a bear hug. "I'll be fine, Deanna." I promise. "I'll relax and enjoy myself." I see lines appear on her forehead. "I swear I'll be fine." I assure her. "Go, you'll miss your shuttle. Have a wonderful time with your mother. I see you next week. I bet you'll be annoyed to have me around so soon again."

Deanna rolls her dark eyes. "You know that's not true." "Yes it is." I assure her and gently shove her out of my quarters. "Go Deanna. You need the break. You've done wonders within the last months. You have no idea how much I owe you for all you've done for me. I'll always be in your debt. Have a good time at home." She smiles at me at with her right hand she cups my cheek. "Thank you." She gives me a swift kiss on my left cheek and then she was gone.

=/\=

As I walk along the small country lane I look around and admire the picturesque scenery. I can see soft rolling hills all covered in vines. To my right there is a small wood and I can hear water rippling. There is a small stream somewhere that's running down the hills. The air smells like warm grass and soil. I catch a scent of grapes almost ripe enough for harvesting.

The sun is shining brightly and warms my skin. It's been a long time since I've wandered those hills. Deanna figured that it would help me finding back to my old self if I'd reconnect with my past. She suggested a visit home to my family's vineyard. I refused to do so vehemently. There is no place for me in La Barre. There never will be and I've sworn to myself to never set foot at this place again. Deanna apparently wasn't all too happy about it and tried to convince me more than once. Eventually she gave up and asked Geordi to help her programming the holodeck.

That's where I am right now. I don't know why I finally changed my mind. I always thought it would hurt me even more to open up these old wounds and yet here I am. Well it doesn't feel as bad as I thought it would. Maybe it's because I know that I'm still safe on board the Enterprise and that this is not Earth. I wouldn't meet anybody of my family, neighbours or old friends. In fact there would never be a chance to meet any family member because they're all dead.

Take it easy it's not what you might think. I had nothing to do with it. Maman died when I was fourty years old. She was ill but never bothered to visit a doctor. When she finally decided to do so it was too late. There was nothing they could have done for her. My father died a few years ago. I was told it was an accident at the vineyard. I don't know much about it. I never dared to ask.

My brother died shortly after him. He was visiting his ex-wife on Mars Colony when the shuttle he took home exploded because of an engine failure. He was married to his second wife Marie who has tended the vineyard ever since. I've never met her in person but she is keeping in touch with me. She's nice I think. I never bothered to get too attached to her. She's too closely connected to my past. She says I'm the only family she's got left. She could've never been more wrong.


	4. A lesson learned

My stroll through my home country brings back many memories. I walk up a slope that turns to the left and I begin to chuckle. That's where I fell off my pony the first time. I think I was about eight years old. The slope is somewhat tricky. First it climbs up steeply then it turns to the left and runs down towards the small stream. It's narrow enough for a horse or a pony to jump over it and then the lane opens up to a long meadow where you can let your horse run out its energy.

Well, I was eight, I knew no fear, I had a pony and I've seen my older brother Robert doing this many times before. I don't have to go into details about rivalry amongst siblings, do I? So I urged my pony into a fast gallop, lead it up the slope, turned left and then everything went pretty fast. The pony saw the water and guessed my intentions rather well. The pony dropped its head, bucked me off and ran home as fast as it could. I was sitting in the grass with a heavily bruised pride. Later I found out that the pony hated walking through water. I laugh softly. Sometimes it hurts learning things the hard way.

I remember one of my favourite spots which was not far from here. I wonder if it's still there. Well it depends on Geordi´s programming skill, I muse. Still I can't resist the temptation. After only a few minutes I've found it and I joyfully settle down on the soft grass. I've followed the stream through the small wood and found the hidden spot between stones and tree trunks. I'm sitting still pretty high on top of the hill that is overlooking my home. With the trees covering me from behind and the large stones around me it's rather hard to detect me.

I'm sitting on the shore while the water is rippling softly to my left. It's quite clear and I can see my reflection on the surface. Jeany you look tired, I observe when I see the dark smudges under my eyes. Checking on my reflection again I feel quite satisfied with my appearance. My face is angular but delicate. I think I inherited my mothers high cheekbones and my fathers dark hazel eyes.

I carefully touch the spots where the Borg implants had been. The skin replacements have healed completely. The doctors have promised me that there would be no scars left behind and they were right. The skin is firm and smooth. They even managed my hair to grow back again. I let my hands run through the brown stubbles and relax. Although I am in my eighties I look like thirty-five. You know, I'm not particularly vain but being a bald man in the age, ok looks, of thirty-five is humiliating. At least it is to me.

I guess I should be lucky to have inherited the Picard genes. It's a twist in DNA of some sorts that is traced back to Beverly Howard-Picard the wife of the famous Jean-Luc Picard back in the 21st century. Rumour has it that she and all of her female ancestors had been infected by a symbiotic life form. The "infection" went back for centuries. For whatever reasons Beverly was the first to counter it. When she got infected she fought it and won. In the end she even managed to kill it. She called him Ronin I think.

Beverly had been a doctor and I think a rather good one. She had a son before she married Jean-Luc. His name was, or better is, Wesley. Yes, he is still alive. I know that sounds weird but one step at a time. Wesley is special. You might want to call him wunderkind but I think he´d describe himself quite differently. Wesley has jumped some degrees of evolution and was accepted by the Traveller community. He now explores time and space on a very different plains of existence. He once tried to explain his experiences to me. I'm not sure if I understood everything he talked about but it sounded wonderful.

When Beverly and Jean-Luc´s first child René was born and he showed similar signs of advanced development she began an investigation. Finally she discovered that the symbiotic life form had an effect on the genetic structure of supposedly every woman he possessed. These changes had been so minor that nobody had noticed them. It took Beverly years to discover and decode them fully. She found similar changes in Jean-Luc´s genetic structure as well. Obviously her family wasn't the only one that came in touch with this Ronin beings. Or maybe one of his ancestors came in touch with the Howard Clan. They never found out for sure.

Obviously the combination of two altered DNA strings created a funny twist in evolution. Furthermore it proved to be quite dominant because these specialties are still in our family so many generations later. For once we grow older than humans usually do. Their son, who was my great-grandfather, died at the age of 218. That was shortly before I was born. There are other things as well but I never talk about them. It is our family secret that goes back to Jean-Luc and Beverly.

They decided not to go public with her findings. Back then the government would have taken their children away from them to run tests over tests and do whatever necessary to find about their abilities. The world was still recovering from World War III and struggled to form a world-wide accepted government. Their kids would have been an advantage to many of the struggling parties and that, of course, was not an option. So the knowledge stayed in the family and was passed on from generation to generation ever since.


	5. I think he is dead

"Robert, come look! Over here!" a little boy is shouting close by. "What is it now, Jean? The other voice sounds deeper, older but still childlike and definitely annoyed. "There is a man lying in the grass. Over there! I think he's dead." The boy, Jean, seems to point at some direction. I hear feet shuffling and grass rustling. Then it stopped.

I'm still at my cosy hiding place near the water and I feel very safe. I'm lying in the shadow of a huge fallen tree trunk and try to relax. I guess I must have fallen asleep. I was dreaming about home. My brother and I were roaming the vineyard. Robert, who was a few years older than me, was always annoyed to take care of his little brother. Deep down inside I think he enjoyed it as much as I did although he would have never admitted it.

Thinking about my childhood makes me smile. It was a good time. My father Maurice was a passionate vintner. He loved his vineyard and his vines almost as much as he loved Maman. He was an impressive man. He wasn't very tall but when he entered a room everybody looked up at him. His very presence was very authoritarian. People paid his attention and he was a very respected member of our village La Barre.

Although strong in his beliefs my father was a kind and patient man. He loved Robert and me and made sure we were happy. It is said that the 21st century Jean-Luc Picard did not have the very best relationship with his father. They stopped talking to each other when he was a young man and never got it together again.

Papa once told me that his grandfather had sworn to himself that his children would always felt loved by him and that he would never fall apart with them. He and Beverly had been deeply in love and their love had lingered on. Their souls belonged together. It must have been amazing to be around them. Their energy filled the house, the vineyard and especially their children and their grandchildren.

When I was a teenager I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Since I was a little boy I've loved watching the stars. At night I sneaked out of the house and climbed up the hill to the very spot I'm sitting right now. From here I could overlook almost the entire vineyard and had a clear view into the night sky. There were so many stars and I knew all of them. I knew their names the constellations their history and so on.

I always dreamed of joining Starfleet and become a great starship captain. But that had meant leaving home. I didn't want that so I was torn between two dreams. Starship captain or vintner. I had no idea what to do. My mother Yvette, who was a great opera singer, secretly hoped I would become a musician one day. She taught me how to sing and how to play several music instruments like the piano, the guitar or the violin.

She tried to teach Robert, too. But the attempts almost always ended in frustration on both sides. Eventually she gave up. You must know, Robert and I were only half-brothers. Yvette was my fathers second wife. His first wife died when Robert was born. Maman once told me that she had a hard time getting along with Robert at first but I think they sorted it out eventually. I don't remember any ill will between them.

Well, in the end I joined Starfleet but not the way I would have liked it. My father always emphasized that he would support every decision I made in my life as long as it made me happy. Well, I guess he was wrong. He would've supported every decision I made but one and that changed my life forever.

Something's poking my right foot. Surprised I open my eyes and sit up. Two boys are standing in front of me. They are looking at me warily. The little one must be about five years old. He has brown hair and dark hazel eyes. He is standing a little bit behind his older brother who is holding a long stick with which he was poking me. He must be around twelve I think. His hair is brown as well but a bit darker. His blue eyes are mustering me carefully.

I gasp. He looks just like my older brother Robert at his age. "See, he isn't dead." He explains to his little brother who is… I swallow hard….me! Deanna must have programmed the holodeck with images of me and my family. Oh my god. I need to go. Now! Suddenly I don't feel relaxed at all. I thought they'd only recreated the landscape. I'd never believed that Deanna would recreate persons as well. It is weird to meet my younger self on the holodeck.

"Who are you?" the holo Robert asks. I don't answer him. I still can't believe this is happening. Maybe I'm still dreaming. A thought is crossing my mind. At least they are not Borg. Sarcasm is not helping, I remind myself. "Are you going to kill us?" my holo self pipes from behind his brother's legs. I'm still gaping at the boys. "No." I quickly explain. "I just…." I trail off.

I don't know what to do. Clearly Deanna wants to confront me with my past. During our sessions she often tried to talk about my family. Sometimes I told her some minor stories but I always changed the subject quickly. It's nothing I want to talk about. Creating these images on the holodeck is what I guess some kind of shock therapy. If I don't want to talk to her at least I could talk to myself.

"Let's go and tell Papa about him." Robert suggests. "He'll know what to do." They turn around to walk back to the house which is not far from here down the hill. While walking away both of them shoot concerned glances at me over their shoulders. Then they were out of sight. I don't want to talk to my father. I need to go. "Computer end program." The landscape is instantly replaced with the holodeck´s yellow grid. I'm still sitting on the floor while trying to process what just happened. I close my eyes again. Merde!


	6. Workout

After my experience on the holodeck I need to blow off some steam. Deanna! Why the hell did she create images of me and my older brother on the holodeck? What the hell was she thinking? I´m furious. I´ve told her more than once that talking about my family was off-limits! That part of my life is non of anybody´s business. Being my shrink is no excuse. I could... I´d so much love to... My hands begin to tremble and I feel my blood raging through my veins.

I´m still sitting on the holodeck floor. I need to get up and move. Now! "Computer, begin runners program Picard 4." The Computer chimes softly and one second later I´m standing on a broad sandy beach. The ocean´s waves are rolling softly onto the sand. It´s still very early in the morning. The air is still crisp but it´s promising to become a sunny and beautiful day. I hear seagulls crying somewhere. The scene is quite peaceful. A beautiful day on the beach.

"Computer create sportswear, pants and shirt. No shoes." I walk over to the replicator, change into my sports gear and begin my tour on the beach. I love running in the sand with no shoes on. The sound of the ocean´s waves always manage to calm me down. I needed a change of scenery. There is anything like an ocean close to La Barre. I won´t meet kids or fathers or other people on this very beach. I´m alone. Just me the ocean and the sand. It feels good. No, it feels great. I start running immediately. I pick up speed quickly and I don´t intend to stop till I´m too tired to think.

=/\=

I drag myself towards my quarters very slowly. I was on that beach for more than two hours. Now my muscles are sore and my legs are heavy. I manage to reach the turbolift and step in. Somehow I reach the doors of my quarters. Only a few more the steps. Left... right... left... right... My armchair, only a few more steps left... right... left... done! With a sigh I let myself fall onto the soft chair and close my eyes.

I´m exhausted. I know that I overdid it this time. The doctors told me that my body went through a lot and needs to recover. Eventually they allowed me to start my workout again. I´m a passionate runner. I even won the academy´s marathon at my first year at the Starfleet Academy. After a months break I was surprised at how much my muscles had degenerated.

The doctors had been right. I really needed to take my time and start my trip along the beach wasn´t even close to starting slowly and my body´s protesting pretty hard right now. I´ll need to take a hot bath if I want to be able to move at all tomorrow morning. I just need another five.

=/\=

"Jean? Where are you?" I hear her voice. She´s afraid. She needs me. "Joe? I´m here." I yell. "Hold on, I´ll be right with you." I´m on the Borg cube again but I´m still me. Still human. "Jean?" I hear her voice again. This time it sounds further away. I´m losing her. "Joe, where are you? Talk to me. I need to find you." I start running at her direction. I follow corridor after corridor.

I see Borg. Plenty of them. They are standing in my way. I try to squeeze my way through the crowd. It is tight. There are so many of them. They are crushing me. I can´t breathe. I need to get away from them. I push my shoulders harder at the drones. They don´t seem to mind me at all. I see even more drones approaching from every corridor I can see. My vision is getting blurry. I still can´t breathe. My lungs are burning. Spots are dancing in front of my eyes then everything´s black.

"Is he dead?" I hear my young self asking. I feel somethings poking me. It feels like a stick. I try to push it away but it keeps on poking again and again. I squirm. I try to tell him to stop but I can´t speak. As hard as I try I can´t open my mouth. "No, he´s not." I hear Robert saying. "See." I feel the stick hitting me again. "No! Stop!" I think. I want to say it out loud but I can´t.

Eventually I manage to open my eyes. I see drones standing in front of me. My five-year old self, assimilated into the Borg continuum. Robert is standing to my right. His ocular implants suggest that he´s also Borg. I hear steps coming towards us. "Maman." the boys shriek with glee. "Look what we´ve found." I hear her voice speaking. It´s the Borg queen.

She´s standing right behind the boys and smiles at my younger me. "Well done, Locutus." She´s leaning forward to give me a tender kiss on the brow. Then she is turning her head to look at me. When she´s gazing at me the our eyes meet. I´m petriefied with horror then I shriek. "Nooooo!"

=/\=

My eyes fly open in shock. "What? Who? Where?" Slowly I realise where I am. I´m in my quarters. I´m still half lying half sitting on my armchair. I must have fallen asleep. My back hurts terribly. Falling asleep in this position was obviously a bad idea. I slowly come to my senses. I got used to having nightmares by now and yet this dream is confusing me. I see the Borg boys quite clearly in my mind. It is a really scary image. Me being assimilated at the age of five. A shudder is running down my spine.

Deanna often told me not to take dreams literally and yet seeing me as a Borg child is hard to process. And then there was Joe again. Always her voice never her body. I never see her in my dreams. I just hear her. Today she sounded so scared. I´ve never managed to find her in my dreams. I´ve lost her. Again.


	7. Close to the heart

All my fears came true this morning. Ok not all of them but one prediction proved to be very accurate. I was sore. My legs protested with every move I made. After I woke up on my armchair last night I went to have a hot bath and went straight to bed afterwards. I think it would´ve been worse today if I hadn´t done that but it was bad enough. I dragged myself from my bedroom to the replicator for breakfast. Right now a mug with hot steaming coffee is standing in front of me as well as a plate with fresh croissants.

I take a careful sip of the hot beverage and feel the energy returning to my body. It feels good. In my mind I´m going through last nights events. They are still troubling me. I roll my eyes and try to convince me that there´s nothing to be worried or upset about. I´ve encountered so many people, species, crises, dangerous situations, hostile surroundings and so much more. Thinking back about the things I´ve done I´m reasonably surprised that I´m still alive and as good as unharmed.

There was once the, let´s call it disagreement, with some Nausicaans. I was at a bar with some friends. To an outsider it might have looked like a casual evening out but I was on duty. We all were. It was an undercover assignment to make contact with an illegal arms dealer. He was Ferengi, of course. I was told he was one passionate gambler so we went into this very bar.

Later that night he was playing cards with those Nausicaans. They had decided to find another victim after they had milked some Starfleet cadets. Their next source of income wasn´t hard to find simply because my target tried to coax anybody who might listen into a new game of Black Jack. It didn´t take long before the Nausicaans picked up a fight with my target. They tried to kill him for cheating. They were right of course because he was indeed cheating.

Usually I would have minded my own business and had left him to his fate. This was different though. I was on duty, he was my target and I was ordered to make contact and gain his trust. He would lead us to his buyers who we believed were collecting enough weaponry to start an assault. Befriending with a dead guy would have complicated my assignment significantly so I decided to step in.

It turned out to be a really bad idea and I paid a pretty high price for it. I got stabbed from behind into my chest. Well, I took down one and redecorated the second´s guys face considerably but in the end they took me out instead. I was lucky. The blade missed my heart only by a hair´s breadth. If my heart would´ve been stabbed I´m sure I´d bled to death very quickly. Even if I´d made it to a doctor they would have been forced to replace my heart with an artificial device. What a horrible idea!

My friends came to my rescue. They overpowered the remaining Nausicaan and arrested all three of them. I was brought to a doctor who treated my stab wound not without giving me a very stern lecture about my stupidity. I simply sat there and waited for the storm to end. He didn´t have the security clearance to be briefed into our mission. To him I was just a crazy guy with a death wish.

=/\=

I empty my cup of coffee and lick at my fingertip to pick up the remaining croissant crumbs. Since I was abducted by the Borg I´ve stayed alone in my quarters most of the time. Being surrounded by people feels very oppressive. In the end it is very exhausting and I am glad to be alone again. I actually do visit my friends, basically my senior staff. Deanna is making sure I´m confronting my deamons as often as I could. She is right of course.

In order to get over my experience and being able to be in command again I need to let go of the fear and guilt. I´m so glad she´s there for me. I know it is her duty to help me recover but we are back at sector 001. I could beam down to Earth and check myself in a psychriatic clinic instead. I´d feel very humiliated so I´m more than glad that Deanna is giving me the opportunity to stay on board the Enterprise.

Today I feel restless. Since Deanna is gone as well as Will, Data and the others I´m pretty alone with my thoughts. I begin to feel trapped in my quarters. Today I would stay out of it as long as I could. I think about my options. I could go to the bridge and check on the running repairs. I would read the reports in my ready room instead of my quarters and... would be alone again. Ok, I really need to do this. Even off duty I´m still the captain. Even as limited as I am available right now, I need to show presence to my crew.

Showing presence to my crew... thinking about it I could visit my very dear friend Guinan. She´s the bartender in Ten Forward and one of the wisest people I´ve ever known. She has some deep knowledge of the universe and about the essence of things esp. me. I don´t think that there are existing words to describe the connection we share. Well, let´s say we are as close as two beings can be. It runs deep, beyond friendship and beyond family.

I smile. I´m actually looking forward to meet her. I put the dishes into the replicator get dressed and within a few minutes I´m on my way out into freedom.


	8. One-upmanship

Ten Forward is almost empty when I arrive. Only a few tables are occupied mostly by members of the repair teams. They look at me briefly. Some are giving me kind nods before they return back to their conversations. On my way to the bar I stop to take a look around. Sometimes even the most familiar places look odd to me. It is as if I'm seeing the world through the eyes of a stranger. This is my home and yet it feels as if I'm not connected to anything around here.

"Want some tea?" Guinan´s voice is dark but soft as velvet. I turn around. She is standing behind the counter and smiles broadly at me. "Yes, thank you." I sit down at a bar stool and prop my elbows comfortably on the counter. Guinan, who had gone to fetch my famous cup of Earl Grey, returns and places the steaming beverage in front of me.

"It's been a while." I don't miss the accusation in her statement. I look down at my cup. I feel bad for not showing up for so long. Especially after all I've been through. She must have been worried. She never visited me once. I guess she knew that I would come when I was ready. "I'm sorry Guinan." I say demurely. "I should have come to you earlier." One look at her tells me that she won't let me off the hook that easily. "I should have visited you very much earlier." "Yes, maybe you should have."

I frown at her statement. I don't know what to say to her so I remain silent. After a while Guinan is leaving only to return again shortly afterwards with another steaming cup in her hands. I'm relieved when I see the hint of a tiny grin at her face. She's teasing me. I guess I deserved it. Guinan grabs a chair and positions it behind the bar right in front of me. She checks on the other guests before she sits down. She's grinning now. "My feet are killing me." She's playing forgive and forget. I play along.

"Maybe it's time for retirement, Guinan." Her hairless eyebrows shoot up. "Well, I mean being on your feet all day can be exhausting. Considering your age, I mean….." I give her my best sheepish smile and I see a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. "I am only a few hundred years old, laddie!" she growls playfully. "To my people I'm a woman in her prime." Her hand shoots forward and I manage to duck away just in time before she can get a grip on my nose.

It's a game we used to play since I was a toddler. She often came by to visit my family. Usually she came unannounced. After a few days she disappeared as mysteriously as she arrived. Her visits have always been the most exciting adventurous and fantastical events in my childhood. Not that I didn't have fun when she wasn't around but with Guinan the world became a different place. She is the best storyteller ever and never missed a chance to introduce us to another of her fantasy worlds. Sometimes we sneaked out at night to meet her in the stables or an old barn or someplace outside where she would tell us ghost stories.

Whenever I did something nasty or rude or simply stupid she grabbed my nose and held it between two fingers. She was careful not to harm me but it still hurt a bit. She never let go until I was ready to apologize. I often ran away from her before she could get a hold on me. She chased me through the house, at least she pretended to do so. It was so funny to playfully offend her and make her running after me.

I'm laughing out loud. "What's so funny?" Guinan asks. She pretends to look offended and raises her chin up proudly. I laugh even harder. I feel everybody's eyes on me but I don't mind. It feels so good to just laugh. I laugh until my stomach hurts and my eyes are tearing up. After a while when I have managed to calm down again I take Guinan´s hand an squeeze it. "Thank you." I whisper. "You're welcome." she smiles.


	9. Kick in the butt

"How are you doing?" Guinan asks. I take my time before I answer her question. I could have said "I'm fine." but that would have been a lie and she'd know it. So I say "I'm getting better." instead. She nods. "So?" I look at her. "What do you mean?" "You know what I mean." she says and takes a sip of tea. "After Deanna has written her reports to Starfleet they decided to keep me in the position of Captain of the Enterprise. I have to attend an evaluation and a competency hearing, of course, but that will take place in a few more weeks. In the meantime I'm officially off duty to cope and relax. I don't think that there will be a problem."

Guinan nods wistfully. "So your nightmares are gone?" she asks. Now it's my turn for my eyebrows to shoot up. She must have talked to Deanna. "I didn't speak with her." Guinan states. I frown at her. "Don't give me that look. I didn't have to read your mind to know what you were thinking. I've dealt with a lot of people who have encountered the Borg. My very own people have encountered the Borg. I know what they were going through. The survivors suffered from panic attacks to nightmares sometimes for years.

You didn't just encounter the Borg. You've been made one of them. You've been part of their collective. Your trauma must be devastating. And now you are telling me you're looking forward to being in command again as if anything hadn't happened." Guinan is getting angry. I can see it and I can feel it. "Guinan, please." I take her hands into mine. She pulls back. "Jean, don't!" "I'm sorry."

She takes a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I'm worried about you, Jeany." I tense and check if someone's in earshot. Luckily we are alone. I hate being called by my nickname in public. "Don't be. I'll be fine." I assure her. "Have you talked to her?" Guinan asks. "Who, Deanna? Yes, of course. I'm having counselling sessions almost every day. Even when we don't have scheduled an appointment she comes by to check on me. I don't think that I have ever talked that much about myself in my life."

Guinan looks suspiciously at me. "You talk about yourself to Deanna? What do you tell her?" I can count the people who know all about me, including all family secrets, on one hand. Guinan is one of them. "I didn't tell her much. I don't want to talk about my family. I don't want to talk about my life afterwards. I can't tell her about the legacy and I'm bound by orders to not talk about my missions and encounters before my time on the Enterprise."

Guinan nods her understanding. "I see. You don't talk about your past, your present and yourself. No offence but what do you talk about?" That was a very good question. What do we talk about? "We talk about the Borg. And the nightmares" I add. "Well not in detail." Guinan rolls her eyes. "You think Deanna's helpful?" I nod vehemently "Of course she is." "How? You don't give her much, do you?" "Well.…" I give up. Guinan´s right. Damn.

"You should talk with someone about yourself, Jean. If you don't trust Deanna, then find someone else you do. You are living with your ghosts far too long. They will never stop haunting you when you don't face them." I sigh in defeat. "It's not that I don't trust her. I'm just not used to talk about me. I'm also afraid of what might happen after I tell her my story. I think things will become pretty awkward between us. She will think of me as a sick pervert. Perhaps even worse."

My last sentence has been nothing but a whisper. I feel very low right now. "I think you underestimate your counsellor very much my dear." It's Guinan´s turn to take my hands into hers. "And you are no sick pervert. You've never been one. You are a very gentle kind and honourable man who deserves his share of happiness as much as everybody else does.

You didn't answer my question thou." What question?" I ask puzzled. "Have you talked to her?" "Talked to whom?" I try not to raise my voice in frustration. Why does she always have to speak in riddles? "Joe." Guinan says dryly. I gasp. "No. Of course not." "Why?" she asks. I blink in surprise. "Well, I….. ." I don't know what to say. Guinan´s looking at me patiently. "I didn't… . Well, I haven't talked to her in years. It's not that I haven't tried. She's ignoring me ever since we… you know…. got separated."

I meet Guinan´s eyes. They are as dark as deep black pools and hard like stone. "Look Guinan. Joe doesn't want to see me or talk to me at all. She made it quite clear. It doesn't matter what I want. I´ve never had a say in these things. It was never clearer to me as it is now. Even if I made her listen to me I wouldn't want to burden her with my problems. I want her to be happy. I always did."

Guinan empties her cup and puts it back on its saucer. "How can a man as old and gifted as you be so narrow-minded?" With that she gets up to wait some tables. I´m left with my own thoughts again. Great.


	10. So many questions

I strip off my clothes and throw them into the recycler. I was on the holodeck for my daily workout. I need to shape up again and pushing my body towards its limits and a little beyond is helping my mind to relax. Honestly right now I am almost desperate to find something to soothe my soul. It´s been two days since my visit to Guinan. She left me with a lot to think about and that´s what I did. I was sitting in my quarters for hours going over and over the things she said.

When I couldn´t stand it any longer I got out to check on my crew or do some sports as I did one and a half hours ago. Now I am exhausted, sweaty but in peace with myself. Well, at least for now. I step into my shower cabin and decide for a water shower. I know that sonic showers are more efficient and save the resources as well but I love the feeling of hot water running down my skin. I lean my forehead on the wall and close my eyes. I´m in heaven.

"Is he dead?" I hear my younger voice asking. "No, he´s not. Look he´s moving." Robert is poking me with his wooden stick. My younger me is gasping. "Look Robert!" He´s almost yelling. "He looks like a monster." Robert laughs. "Don´t worry Jeany. He´s with his own people now." "His own people? What do you mean? What are they?"

"They are Borg." Robert explains. "Why did he leave us?" I hear myself questioning his brother. "He didn´t want to leave. He is weak, you know. He should have fought them. He could have stopped them. Instead he decided to hide like a coward. Now he is one of them. He became what he always was... a monster!"

Robert´s laughter is still ringing in my ears when I wake up. It took a moment before I knew where I was. I sigh and grab my shower gel. I hate when these things happen. I still get lost in daydreams frequently. I would have appreciated if my mind had kept quiet for at least a few minutes. I need to find a way to control myself. Control is the very essence of me. There were only a few events in my life in which I wasn´t in control of the situation. Everytime things ended pretty badly for me.

If I only knew how to regain control again. I remember the things Guinan said to me two days ago. I really need to talk to someone I can trust. I shudder at the idea of telling my story. It´s hard to live with it but speaking it out loud...? Well that´s what I´d have to do if I wanted to get my life back. I think about Deanna. Do I trust her? Without hesitation I answer my question. Yes, I do trust her. Do I trust her enough to tell her my story? All of it?

I grab my towel and rub myself dry. When I look into the mirror I look straight into my eyes. "It´s now or never, Jean. You can do it." My mirror image shows signs of doubt. I brush my wet hair back and step out into my bedroom to get dressed. Deanna is scheduled to be back tomorrow morning. That gives me time to think about my options. "What options?" I ask myself. Yes, indeed. What options?

For once I could talk to Deanna, tell her my story and ask for her counsel. Things might or might not turn out awkward between us afterwards. It´s possible that I´d feel uncomfortable around her. Maybe even too uncomfortable for having her on my ship. One of us would have to go which would be her. By opening up to her I might force her to leave. I know she´s involved with Will. How would he react if I sent her away? Would he leave, too? Too many questions, too many possible outcomes, too many risks.

On the other hand I could seek the help of another counsellor. Do I want to trust my secrets to a stranger? Absolutely not! I could talk to Guinan. She knows all about me although not everything in detail. I trust her and I feel relaxed enough around her to open up. This would be a wonderful idea if she hadn´t already told me to talk to someone else. Well, the person in mind was out of question but still she made it clear that the alternative wasn´t her.

I briefly think about talking to Marie but dismiss the idea quickly. I haven´t even met her in person and she´s not a qualified psychotherapist, I think. No, that´s a bad idea. That brings me back to Deanna. Maybe she is the best choice. Maybe things wouldn´t be all too awkward afterwards. There was a good chance that we would become friends. Close friends I mean. There is only one question left to answer. Am I brave enough to do it?


	11. Eating humble pie

"It´s 1400 hours." the Computer tells me and I sigh. Deanna would be here in half an hour. I need to get ready. I get up and walk over to my bedroom and change quickly into comfortable civilian clothes. Even off duty I often wear my uniform simply out of habit. Today, however, I have different plans. I put on my comfortable dark blue trousers and a clean white shirt.

When I try to fasten my buckle I realise my hands are trembling. I´m nervous. I look up, take a deep breath, shake my hands and laugh. "Come on, Jeany. You´ve been through a lot worse than this." I try to calm myself but the heavy knot in my stomach is still present. I feel like a teenager waiting for his first date. Even my palms are sweaty. I take another deep breath and let it out very slowly.

Deanna is back on the Enterprise. She arrived yesterday. Today is our first counselling session after our short break. Last night I lay in bed wide awake for hours. I was thinking about my plans over and over again. Today I would tell her my story. I tried to back out. I tried to convince myself not to go through with it. In the end my desire to get out of this miserable way of existence I call life at the moment won over and I put the other voice in my head to rest. And still I can´t believe what I am about to do in approximately thirty minutes.

I manage to get ready right before my door chime rings. It is 1430 hours. Deanna is here. I feel my heart pounding heavily against my chest. Time stretches and I feel like I´m drowning. The chime rings again. "Come" I finally manage to get out. The door opens and Deanna steps in. I wish my heart would just stop. Right now would be perfect. Of course it doesn´t. Damn thing! I rub my sweaty hands and smile at my guest.

"Hello Deanna. How´s your trip? I hope you had a pleasant time with your mother." She returns the smile and steps closer to give me a hug. "Welcome on board." I say. "Thank you. It´s good to be back." I look at her suspiciously. "After a week my mother can be, well, challenging." I grin. "Still not married?" She rolls her eyes and giggles. "No." I have met Deanna´s mother for a few times. Every time she stayed on board the Enterprise it was a very exotic event for all of us. Especially me.

"How are you?" Deanna asks. When I hesitate to answer she states "You´re nervous. Is everything all right?" Now or never, Jean. I remind myself. "I´ll be fine. It´s just..." I trail off. " I look down to study my sneakers. I feel a hand on my right shoulder. When I look up I see a very concerned counsellor looking at me. I screw up all my courage. "Today is an important day. I need to tell you something." Deanna raises her brows. "It´s personal." I explain. "Sounds intriguing. What do you want to tell me?"

Deanna walks over to sit down on my couch. I clear my throat. "Deanna, I´d like to apologize for not being very forthcoming during our sessions. I´ve kept a lot to myself. Even though it is for my own worse to hinder my recovery I feel like I made things hard for you. I guess it must have been quite frustrating. I´m sorry." "Captain." she begins.

"There is more." I raise my hands to interrupt her in mid sentence. "I´ve been thinking about a lot of things while you were gone. I finally came to the conclusion that it´s time to share my past with someone else. I´d be glad if you´d be willing to help me sort things out and come clean with myself. I want you to know that this is not easy for me. I´m about to tell you things that might change your opinion about me significantly. I must also ask for you discretion. This is indeed very personal."

Deanna´s face shows a mix of emotions. I certainly surprised her and yet I belive to see a hint of relief as well. I sit down next to her and hold out my right hand. "Can I trust you?" Deanna looks at my hand and then up at me. She smiles and gives my hand a gentle squeeze. "Of course you can. I promise not to tell a soul about the things you want to share with me." She gives my hand another squeeze. "Thank you for your confidence."

I feel so relieved. I´d like to give her a bear hug but that is inappropriate, of course, so I simply say "Thank you." We´ve been sitting in silence for a while till I notice that we are still holding hands. I jump slightly and take my hand back to my lab. It´s already getting awkward. I clear my throat again to shake off the uncomfortable feeling.

"I´ve tried you´re new holo program you recommended. It was very interesting." "So?" Deanna asks and failed to mask her mischief. I frown playfully. "A very interesting counselling technique, indeed. I´d like to visit the holodeck again with you if you don´t mind." "I´ll be glad to join you, Captain. When do you want to go?" I get up and look down at her. "I´d like to go right now."

* * *

><p>author´s note: Thank your for your kind reviews. I promise to update more very soon. -Nandui-<p> 


	12. My loft is my castle

"So I guess you actually tried the holo program including all its features?" Deanna eyes me carefully a playful smile on her lips. "Uhm, yes Counsellor I did." We step out of the turbolift and make our way towards holodeck 2. "Do you like it?" she inquires after I fail to give her further details. Thinking back to the day on the holodeck I shudder slightly. The events had stirred me up quite a bit. I look down at Deanna and grin. "Like is such a strong word, Deanna."

She doesn´t get the chance to reply. We are standing in front of the big entrance of holodeck 2. I had made reservations for the entire day and since I had little else to do I already started the program earlier today to make some preparations before Deanna would visit me in my quarters. It was the second time I visited La Barre in a week which was more than I did in the last thirty years or so.

Although I knew what was awaiting me this time and the deeper knowledge that this world wasn´t real my visit successfully stirred up long suppressed emotions again. This time I ordered the computer to create only the surroundings without its inhabitants. I didn´t want to cross paths with another family member. I was genuinely surprised when I found my old house including all of its furnishings. I had brought two bottles of red wine which are waiting for us together with fresh baked bread and cheese.

"Shall we?" I ask Deanna and she nods. We step closer towards the entrance the doors open and here we are. We are standing on the path that leads towards the main house. The sun is shining and the plants and soil smell like harvesting time again. It´s a wonderful day. I see Deanna taking in her surroundings. "This is so beautiful." she states and I nod. "It is, indeed."

She must have felt the sadness that overcame me. "It must have been hard to leave this place. How long has it been since your last visit?" "Four days." I answer honestly. "That´s not what I meant." I know that, of course. "It´s been thirty-two years and yes it was not a pleasant day when I left." I point towards the house. "Shall I give you a tour?" Deanna smiles. "That would be lovely."

We make our way to the main house. It is rather big and very old. My family had tended it very well over the centuries so it was still intact and very beautiful. Vines grew along the rough stone walls and the gardens were well-groomed. The air smells like lavender which is growing close to every entrance of every building. It is an old family tradition based on old superstitions. Legend has it that lavender protects the house and brings luck to the family. Although old herbology has no place in the 24th century the tradition was kept up by my mother.

Perhaps it still is even now but I don´t know that for sure. On the other hand why should Marie remove the lavender after Robert had died? I show Deanna the house the gardens the stables and the winery, of course. I dutifully explain the family history which is the vineyards history as well because our ties run back for many centuries. It is all written down in a large chronicle which I would have loved to show Deanna, too if it was here. The holodeck can only do so much.

I can see that Deanna really enjoys herself. It´s odd but I manage to relax, too. "This is so beautiful, Captain." Deanna states again when we arrive at the gazebo my mother loved so much. Around the gazebo are growing red roses and near the entrance a big lavender shrub is spreading its wonderful perfume. "This was my mother´s favourite place. She loved her garden. She came here often to sing." Deanna gives me an inquiring look. "She was an opera singer." I quickly explain.

Deanna nods and steps out into the garden again. "Thank you for the tour." She pauses although she looks like she´s got something more to say. After a while she adds "You´ve showed me so much but nothing here relates to you. I wonder if you had a place here as well." I chuckle. "Of course I had. Come." We walk over the lawn towards the south end of the garden. A stoney way leads down a small slope. After a short walk we arrive at an old barn. It is hidden behind some trees and cannot be spotted from the main house. The barn provided some very welcome privacy.

I open the door and invite Deanna in. "This is my loft." Deanna gasps. The old barn was refurbished and although looking old and worn from the outside inside it is gorgeous. I love large bright rooms so I decided to remove all unneccessary walls and live in one big open place. We are standing in the kitchen which is where the main door is located. The kitchen looks very old-fashioned but provides all modern devices a young bachelor needs.

Next to the old iron oven and wooden shelves there is a replicator. It was my lifeline back then because I´ve rarely used the kitchen. It´s not that I can´t cook but I usually ate with my family up in the main house. Next to the kitchen was the dining and living area. At the opposite side of the loft was standing my four-poster bed. It is made of heavy wooden beams and looks very rough. I had decided for the typical french country house style to match the interior to the exterior.

I had actually forgotten how much I loved this place. "Welcome to my castle." I smile proudly at Deanna and she smiles back at me. "This is... amazing." Deanna exclaims in awe. I shake my head. "No, what´s amazing is that you created my house accurately on the holodeck. How did you know what it looked like? Seeing your reaction tells me that you´ve never been here before." Deanna smiles wittily at me. "I had help." "I see. May I ask what kind of help did you have?"

Deanna takes a few steps into my house to take a look around. "Yes, you may but not yet." I cock a brow. "So you´re hiding secrets from me as well. I guess that´s fair but I don´t like it." She turns around to face me. "I´m not hiding secrets from you. I will answer all of your questions but I think my story is not in the least as important as yours. It´s been a wonderful tour around your home but I guess you didn´t bring me here only to show me around, do you?"

I sigh. She´s right. I came here for entirely different reasons. "You´re right Counsellor. I came here to talk. I figured this place" I point at my house "would be a more appropriate location than my quarters." I walk over to the double wing doors. I open them and invite Deanna over to the large patio where the wine and food was waiting for us. Deanna settles down on one of the cosy armchairs and I pour in some wine.

From the patio you have a wonderful view over the vineyard. You can see very far over the soft hills which are now illuminated brightly by the sun. Next to my loft is living an old tree that provides enough shade to sit comfortably even on the hottest of days. I offer one glass of wine to Deanna and sit down on the chair opposite to her. I raise my glass "To friendship." Deanna smiles "To friendship."

We take a sip of wine and I take another deep breath. I successfully managed to postpone my undertaking but now it´s time. "Deanna, thank you for coming here with me." I begin. "I know I´ve dragged on the counselling session by showing you this place but I did it on purpose. I want to tell you my story but under one condition." Deanna frowns suspiciously. "That is?" she asks.

I smile at her. "The things I want to share with you are private and precious to me. I´d prefere to talk as a private man to you and not as your superior officer. That is why I chose to come to this place. Here´s where all began and here´s where I´m no captain, no Starfleet officer just me, Jean." Now Deanna smiles, too. "That´s fine by me, Jean." "Good." I nod and lean back.


	13. Now or never

"I was named after my great-grandfather Jean-Luc Picard who was born at the same day as I was, the 13th of July. Well actually he was born thirty years after me in 2305." Deanna´s brows shoot up and she stares at me with big eyes. "Yes, it´s true. He had been a Starship captain, at least so I was told. He and his CMO Dr Beverly Crusher had been hauled back in time somehow. I was told that they had struggled to find a way back but failed. In the end they accepted their fate and got married.

Theirs must have been a hell of a lovestory. It is said that they had been in love for decades but never got together. Their tale was one of my favourite bedtime stories when I was a little boy." "Sounds very fantastical to me" Deanna states. I nod "It does. Yet there are some flaws in our chronicle that could be hard to explain if their story had been different. Besides I found some evidence when I was older that confirmed their story."

"What evidence?" Deanna inquires. I remember the odd Starfleet uniform I have found stored away in an old box in the attic many years ago. It was red and black and four pips were attached to the collar. I shake my head. "Evidence enough to convince me that he and his wife Beverly had been born in our time but travelled back in time somehow to the early 21st century. I think it was not a voluntary trip. Unfortunately I cannot give you much details about the when how and why.

They moved to La Barre to live at the vineyard. The house was abandoned back then because non of the other family members cared much about it. I don´t know much about the early years of my great grandparents. It is said that they had been very happy together. Although they were both past their prime when they got married their love was one of the kind only a few people are lucky enough to find.

There are journals stored in the attic somewhere. It is said that they have written down their biography but locked it away until the contents of those books wouldn´t do any harm. All I can tell you are the few things I know from Guinan and Wesley." Deanna looks at me in surprise. "Guinan?" I nod "Yes, Guinan. She has been a close friend to my family for a very long time." I take a sip of wine before I continue.

"Is Wesley a relative of yours?" Deanna asks and I nod. "Yes, Wesley is Beverly´s firstborn son. She was married before Jean-Luc. Her first husband had died long before she married Jean-Luc. He and her first husband Jack had been close friends which is why it took an eternity for Jean-Luc and Beverly to come together. Wesley says it might have never happened if they weren´t hauled back in time and left there stranded."

"Wait a second." Deanna interrupts. "You say Wesley is still alive?" "Yes, he is." I confirm. "Wesley is, well let´s call it special. He´s living on another plains of existence and is not bound to time and space as we know it." I explain. "But how...?" Deanna starts again. "That´s another very long story to tell, Deanna. I will gladly do so but at the moment I´m struggling to tell you mine.

I know that many things sound weird and fantastical. The oddities in our appearance and skills are the result of a genetic twist that can be traced back to Beverly and her ancestors. A long time ago it was decided to keep the changes caused by the altered DNA secret. You know that my aging process is much slower than it should be. This is one of the things I inherited." "One of the things?" Deanna inquires. "Yes, and that´s all I will tell you. It is not important to my story but telling you about Wesley should give you some ideas."

Deanna looks like she needs a moment to let the information sink in then her eyes snap open. "Do you mean you´re like him?" I shake my head "No, I´m not at all like him. All I´m saying is that I´m Beverly´s great grandson and share her DNA including it´s twists." Deanna nods slowly but obviously decides not to push further for more information. I´m relieved. I don´t want to go into details about my genetic structure and the effects caused by it especially when there is so much more to tell her.

"You already know that my father was a vintner and I told you earlier that my mother was a musician. I had a brother, Robert, as well but unfortunately they are all dead by now. Robert was married twice. His second wife Marie still lives in La Barre and runs the family business since Robert´s sudden death." "I´m sorry to hear that." Deanna says sympathetically. "Well, thank you." I take another sip of wine but decide to go for water afterwards. I need to keep a clear mind for this.

"I wasn´t there when they died." I explain remorsefully. "I wish I was." "What happened?" Deanna helps herself with bread and cheese and eyes me carefully. I guess she picked up the emotions that came crashing down on me when I mentioned my parents and my brother. "It´s complicated and yet so simple. I got kicked out thirty-two years ago." I take a very deep breath. An icy grip is taking hold of me when I listen to myself saying this out loud. I was abandoned by my family. It is the first time I talk about it to an outsider. I feel sick.

"You look pale. Do you need a break?" Deanna asks. I shake my head. Now or never, Jean. "No, thank you. I´m just not used to talk about the events. Although it´s been a long time the memory of it still hurts a lot." "What happened?" Deanna asks again. "Well it all began a long time ago. My brother was married to his first wife Danielle. They were also living here. Their apartment in the main house had been the servant´s wing once.

Danielle was pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful girl. She shared the birthday of Beverly Picard. Usually we name the kids after their ancestors when they share the same birthday. Danielle on the other hand had different plans. She and Robert had quite a few disagreements about it but in the end their daughter was named after Danielle´s mother, Joanna. Danielle can be quite persuasive."

I chuckle remembering the major fights they had. Deanna´s eyes light up when she sees me laughing. "What is it?" I ask. "Nothing." she states. "It´s just been a while since I saw you laughing. That´s all. It suits you well." "Humph." I growl but cannot manage to stop grinning. "Well, thank you, Deanna." "So you and your niece were born on the same days as Jean-Luc and Beverly." she smiles. "This is a good stuff for bedtime stories and romantic novels if you ask me."

I can´t help rolling my eyes. "Spare me the details, Deanna. You are not the first who came up with the idea. I always despised the thought of being a recreation of someone else. I cherish my individuality." Images of the Borg flash up in my mind the second I speak out loud my last statement. The horror returns. I can hear the choir of many voices echoing as one in my head.

I clench my fists and brace for impact. They won´t get me. I won´t relent. Here it comes. I feel something´s touching my arm. They are here again. I close my eyes and raise my inner shields. Someone´s speaking. It´s their queen. "Locutus." Her voice so soft and sweet almost alluring. Someone´s shaking my arm now. "Captain." I can feel her. She´s drawing me closer. Smack.

I feel the fingers of a hand burning on my left cheek. Deanna´s looming over me. I blink up at her in surprise. "It´s alright Jean. You´re on the holodeck. You´re safe." "What happened?" I´m very confused. "You had a very vivid reaction to your last statement. It´s the first time since our very first session that you´ve reacted so emotional to your encounter with the Borg." "Is that good?" I ask doubtfully. Deanna gives me a positive nod. "It is. Confronting yourself with the emotional trauma you´re suffering from is important for your recovery."

I get up to get some water. It´s an excuse but now I really need a break.


	14. Trick or treat

I walk back into the house to replicate some water and two glasses. Meanwhile Deanna is relaxing in her armchair. Thinking back about the information I have given her about my family I don´t feel very confident. She´s taking it surprisingly well and to be honest that concerns me pretty much. I´ve never been very forthcoming when it comes to personal insights about myself.

Of course there had been questions about my age and appearance when I applied for the academy. I never lied about it although I briefly considered it. I was fifty years old when I entered the academy. I didn´t look that way and I didn´t want things to be awkward between me and my comrades. If I had filed a false age, maybe twenty-five, I´m sure that no one would have questioned my statement.

On the other hand giving false information in my application would have had too many consequences. There are more than enough documents about me that I would have had to alter. Withholding information about myself is on thing bringing up a false identity is something entirely different. So I stuck to the truth and answered the many questions with as much details as necessary but nothing more.

I´m putting very much trust in Deanna by telling her about Beverly and Ronin. I still wonder why she took it so well. Did she talk to Guinan in the first place? I shake my head. No, Guinan would never betray me like that. I pick up the pitcher and glasses and make my way back to the patio.

"Have you and your brother been close back then?" Deanna asks while picking up one of the filled glasses. I ponder briefly before I answer her question. "Uh yes, I think." I take a sip of water before I explain "Robert was a few years older than me. He and I were only half-brothers, you know. His mother, my father´s first wife, died when he was born. My father raised him all on his own.

Robert was seven years old when I was born. Naturally we didn´t have much in common. When I was old enough to walk and play outside he was often asked to look after me. He preferred to spend time with his friends and dragging his little brother with him all day wasn´t his idea of fun. Robert and I were close in our own way but we´ve never been close friends." Deanna nods. "I see. Being an older brother can be difficult sometimes." She explains. "Being a younger brother isn´t a piece of cake as well."

"Of course not." She agrees. "So what happened after your niece was born?" "Well, not much at first. Dani and Robert had been very happy and little Joey was the sunshine of the vineyard. My mother switched into grand-maman mode as soon as she held the little bundle in her arms. It was very funny to watch her fluttering around the baby. To be honest it was one of the cutest things I´ve ever seen.

It didn´t take long until she remembered her other son, too. She kept on nagging me about getting married and starting a family. I know that she loved Robert as if he was her own son but I think she also would have loved to hold a grandchild of her own flesh and blood in her arms." I sigh. "Unfortunately I was never able to do her that favour."

I pause a moment to take another sip of water and decide for a piece of cheese. I made sure that the snack I´ve provided for Deanna and me was typical french food. I take a bite and close my eyes in delight. It tastes like home. The replicator did a fine job. "That sounds like a happy family to me. What went wrong in the end?"

I suppress my sardonic laughter at her question. Sarcasm is not helping, I remind myself. "Well, what went wrong? A few years later I was forced to make a decision. One my father and my brother considered to be wrong. They never forgave me." I explain hoarsely and quickly clear my throat. Sadness is washing over me. Maybe they were right. Maybe it was the wrong choice. Deanna is reaching over the table to take my hand. I look up at her and smile. "It´s ok." I say, maybe more to me than to her. "Tell me about it." She looks at me encouragingly. I squeeze her hand. "I will."

After another short moment to gather my thoughts and take another sip of wine this time before I continue "Joe and I were very close right from the start. When she was a toddler I was the one and only babysitter and when she was older we have been partners in mischief of all sorts. She had me wrapped around her little finger the moment she first smiled at me. She took advantage of it all the time. It was fun teasing her and make her laugh. I would have fulfilled her every wish if it made her happy."

I chuckle remembering one funny episode. Deanna´s grin broadens, too. I can feel her unspoken question so I lean back in my chair to find a more comfortable position for telling her this tale. "One day Joey decided that she wanted cherries for desert and couldn´t be argued out of it. Back then we didn´t have a replicator which meant we would have to go into the village to buy her the demanded cherries. I would have gladly done so if the shops hadn't been closed for a national holiday.

My best friend Jacques came over for a visit just in time to notice her tantrum after Dani told her that there would be no cherries today. Jacques and I were sitting on this very patio when we looked over to our neighbours garden." I point to the left where in the distance a high stone wall indicates the beginning of their premises.

"Back then there was a large old cherry tree growing very close to the stone wall and its fruits were very ripe. We looked at each other and a plan was forming in our heads. We walked up to the house to find Joey. She was sitting in her room. Her face was red and the trails of her hot tears were still visible. Joey, I hush at her, do you still want your cherries? She nodded and I explained our idea to her.

Our plan was simple. She would walk over to our neighbours house for a short visit. She did it quite often so nobody was suspicious. While she distracted the neighbours Jacques and I climbed up the wall into the tree to pick the reddest and most beautiful cherries." I gleefully look up at Deanna. "I know that it was awful to use a little child as bait but she was so cute and her charm always worked. When she got back we presented her our treasure. You have no idea how happy she was.

Once she realised what I had done she grinned wittily at me. Although she was only four she understood that she had to keep her mouth shut and so she did. Call me crazy but when she twinkled at me that day I knew that we were one of a kind. Two souls that belonged together. It was the beginning of a very wonderful friendship." Deanna smiles "That sounds lovely." I nod. "It was indeed."


	15. Nice try

Deanna raises her wineglass for a short toast before she takes a sip. "The wine is delicious. Is it from your family´s vineyard?" I nod enthusiastically. "Well yes, thank you. My sister-in-law, Marie, sent me a huge box not too long ago with all kind of stuff from home mostly wine. I must admit this is the first bottle I´ve opened since I left for good. I would´ve never believed to drink another glass of Chateau Picard and here we are."

I raise my glass as well for a short salute but instead of drinking its contents I admire the wine´s deep red color. I sniff its aroma the way my father had taught me and close my eyes. I pick up the scent of the grapes of course but there is more. I can smell the sun the soft warm soil the lavender that grew almost everywhere even the wooden barrels the wine was stored in. I almost feel like when I open my eyes I would be back home again.

Sadness overcomes me and I swallow down a big lump in my throat. Why does thinking about home bother me so much these days I wonder, but decide to blame the Borg for it. I know of course that visiting the holodeck and talking about home to Deanna is more likely the reason but that would mean I wasn´t strong enough to control my feelings. The very idea is against my beliefs and I´m far too stubborn to accept that a traumatic experience might shake up even me.

Deanna leans forward in her chair to take a closer look at me. "How do you feel?" she asks. I must admit this question wasn´t unexpected at all but it still surprises me because I don´t know what to answer. I decide for "I´m fine, thank you." and hope she´s buying it. Of course she doesn´t. Deanna´s empathic skills are quite a challenge for me. I know how to block her out completely. If I wanted to she had no chance of reading me at all.

This would startle her, of course, and would most probably lead to a lot of questions which I don´t want to answer. No, not even here and now. I don´t feel very comfortable being an open book for someone else. To me it is difficult to talk to a person who already knows what I´m thinking. I mean, why talk at all? "Nice try. Try again." I hear her saying and when I look at her I notice a faint sheepish smile. I decide not to answer but glare at her instead.

"I often wonder why it is so difficult for you to talk about your feelings." she begins again. "I know that many people have problems to address their emotions but with you things are very different. It is as if you have forgotten to act on your emotions at all." Ouch, that hurts. "Do you mean I´m cold hearted?" I counter. Deanna shakes her head.

"No, not at all. It´s quite the opposite. You keep your emotions to yourself. When you are on duty you are always calm and in control of yourself. I´ve always admired your self-control even in the most chaotic situations. You always know what to do. I don´t think there are many strategists like you in Starfleet. But still you dont´t act on your feelings, not even when you have the time to do so."

I take a deep breath and sit up straight in my chair. "Deanna, I´m the captain of this ship. Many lives depend on me and the decisions I make. I don´t have the luxury to freak out after a mission." Deanna leans back as well. "That´s not what I mean. Denying to show and act on your emotions runs far deeper than that. I´m sure you know exactly what I mean. Why are you avoiding me? What happened to you?"

Here we go. The interrogation has begun. I hate myself for coming here with Deanna. What was I thinking? I wasn´t ready for this. I suddenly feel trapped on my chair and get up quickly. I take a few steps towards the small lavender that grew right behind the patio when her voice stops me in my tracks. "Jean, please talk to me." Deanna´s voice is so kind and soft almost pleading. I shake my head. "I can´t." I whisper.

"So many things have happened. So many feelings have been hurt." The painful memories are almost choking me. I feel a hand on my shoulder. I take it and turn around. Deanna is standing next to me. Her face shows a mixture of compassion and encouragement. "I don´t know how..." I begin but trail off. "Come, sit down and stay with me this time. Please don´t leave." Deanna leads me back to my armchair and I obediently sit down again.

"Why don´t your start at the beginning." she suggests. "The beginning" I snort. "I already told you the beginning. The day Joanna was born was the day my life, at least the way I knew it, ended. I just didn´t know it back then."


	16. When children cry

Deanna checks on me another time before she makes herself comfortable again in her own armchair. I know she´s afraid that I might still change my mind and storm back to my quarters. Truth be told that´s what I would like to do most right now but I force myself to stay. Now that I´ve started it there is no turning back. Deanna knows too much already. She´ll never stop asking if I stop talking now.

Although satisfying Deanna´s curiosity isn´t the reason why I came here to tell my tale. I wan´t to get rid of those ghosts that are haunting me ever since I came back from the Borg. I need to focus on this instead of pressuring myself into pleasing Deanna. "Jean-Luc, talking to me is for your own benefit and not for my entertainment." Deanna states and I jump when I hear her uttering those words.

This is exactly what I was thinking not two seconds ago. "I didn´t know that you can read my thoughts. " I challenge her. "I can´t." She gives me one of her best nonchalant smiles. "Deanna, please. I try to be as open and as honest towards you as I can. Playing games isn´t fair." I can see she´s pondering what to say next. "I´m not playing games with you, Jean. I usually can´t read other people´s thoughts."

"But?" I counter. "But with you it´s different. Sometimes I can read some thoughts or images that are crossing your mind. It´s only bits and pieces that often don´t make sense to me." "But sometimes they do." I finish for her and she nods slowly. "First I thought it was a fluke but during our time together on the Enterprise it continued to happen every now and then. I figured it happened more frequently when you´re under emotional stress or very fatigued."

I don´t know what to answer to that. I´m surprised of myself when I hear me utter "Why did you never say something?" Oh my, Jeany. Now you´re accusing her for being what she is. "I´m sorry." I quickly apologize. "I didn´t mean to be rude. You didn´t have to inform me about this, of course." "No Sir, but" "It´s Jean." I interrupt her. "Yes, Jean. I´m sorry. I always knew that I should probably talk to you about it but on the other hand it didn´t happen very often and I didn´t know you very well back then. I figured you knew it and wouldn´t mind. In the end it was you who chose to have a half Betazoid in his senior staff."

She´s right. I feel bad I mean really bad. "I´m sorry Deanna." I mumble. "It´s ok. How I feel is not important right now and I´m not offended. Let´s talk about you again, shall we?" I smile at Deanna but make a mental note to be more careful in the future. "Fine." I agree. "What do you want me to talk about?" I notice that certain smile again in her face. "What about your niece Joanna, is it?" "All right." I sigh in defeat. "Let´s talk about Joanna."

=/\=

"The first years after Joey was born have been wonderful. Joe and I spent a lot of time together especially after our cherry coup." I chuckle. "Well, I know my reputation in Starfleet very well, Deanna. The legendary Jean-Luc Picard. Captain of the flagship, diplomat and warrior all in one. If anybody had known me back then they would´ve never believed what I´ve become."

Now Deanna laughs, too. "You´ve been that bad?"I grin. "Worse. I was thirty years old when Joanna was born but I still behaved like I was twenty. Tops! I guess because I knew I had more time to spent than any other human I decided to take things slowly. Jacques, who was as chaotic as I was, and I got in trouble far too often. My father kept on nagging me to find a purpose in life. He wanted me to choose a profession and finally grow up but I felt like I still had to wait before I committed my life to something. Instead of focusing on a career I chose to have fun.

When Joey was old enough I often used her as lookout when I sneaked into the wine-cellar to fetch me some bottles of the good stuff." "The good stuff? You mean the best wine?" Deanna asks. I shake my head and laugh. "Oh no, not at all. My father used to distill schnapps out of pears. It was deliciously aromatic but very strong. Jacques and I called it the good stuff." I take a sip of the also very delicious wine in front of me before I continue.

"Joe´s services had their price, of course. So sneaking back to the stone wall for stealing cherries or sometimes other fruits became a habit of us." I chuckle. "This sounds so awful. I´ve been a horrible role model to her. Well, never mind. She was out my reach soon enough for her to grow into a descent and respectful but crazily funny young woman." "What do you mean?" Deanna asks. I notice her empty wineglass and reach over the table to fetch the open bottle only to notice that it is empty as well.

"Shall I open the other one?" I ask but Deanna is reluctant. "No not yet, thank you. I feel a little tipsy already." She explains and I feel for her. She´s not used to real alcohol. "Yes, of course." I refill her glass with water instead and lean back in my chair again.

"Robert and Dani have had quite an eventful marriage. Even before Joe was born they´ve had fights. Nothing more but disagreements but with Joey around things changed. The disagreements became fights which became major fights. In the end Dani filed in the divorce and moved out. She wanted a fresh start somewhere new. She decided for Mars colony. We were all devastated. The family was falling apart and with them gone so far away there wasn´t even a slight chance for keeping in touch properly.

When Dani told Joanna that they would be leaving the vineyard to live on Mars, Joe freaked out. I still remember every detail of this day´s events. Joe was sitting on the couch in the living room of the main house. When she heard the news it took a moment to sink in. She went awfully pale and for a moment I thought she would faint. Her little hands fell off her lab and her fingers grabbed the blanket she was siting on and squeezed it hard.

No, she said repeatedly. No no no no no. She desperately shook her head and tears started to fall. I don´t want to leave, she sobbed. Danielle talked to her. She tried to explain why they had to go away but that made things far worse. Maman tried to calm her down but failed terribly. Joanna felt betrayed. At least that´s what she told me many years later.

When she noticed I was there, too she flew into my arms and clung her arms tightly around my neck. Her little body was shaking violently against my chest. Please don´t allow them to do this, she sobbed into my neck. It broke my heart to see her like that. I hated Danielle for hurting her daughter so much. I lifted Joey up and took her with me to my loft. She refused to leave me that day.

Of course hiding at my place didn´t solve the problem and when the day had come when they would finally leave for good Joanna was crushed. I think Dani never knew what she did to her daughter back then. Neither did she know what she did to the rest of us. When they were gone it felt like all joy had gone, too. We carried on, of course. There was a business to run and a vineyard to tend to but it took a very long time before this wound was healed."

I pause and ponder about my last statement. Thinking back about what was to come after Joe was gone I think these wounds never healed completely.


	17. Meilleurs amis

"What about Robert?" Deanna asks. "What about him? He´s dead." Deanna shakes her head. She´s obviously annoyed. "I mean how did he handle the situation?" "Uhm Robert..." I run my fingers through my hair to buy me some time. "Well, Robert didn´t talk much about his divorce. He missed his daughter. We all did. I think he did what he thought was best for Joe which meant he agreed basically to every of Danielle´s demands.

I never understood why he didn´t fight more for her but I´ve never had a kid of my own. Maybe things are different when you´re the father instead of the uncle. One thing was pretty obvious right from the beginning. There would be no visits on a regularly basis. A trip to Mars is quite an undertaking even in our time so they settled for another agreement. Joanna would spent her summer holidays at the vineyard which meant she would at least stay for a period of six weeks every year.

She was only five years old when they left. Just in time to start primary school at Utopia Planitia. The timing was great for both of them and I don´t think that it was coincidental. I assume Danielle had put a lot of thinking into it in advance. Robert was fine with the arrangement as long as Joanna was happy. As I said he never talked much about it and I was too angry to bother.

On our last day in La Barre Joanna and I made an agreement. I told her to ask her mother how the comsytem in their new house works. I made her promise to call me whenever she felt lonely or homesick. I knew she was frightened and I wanted to make sure she knew that she ´ll always have my back." I look up at Deanna and see tears glistening in her eyes. "I´m sorry to bother your with this." I apologize.

Deanna quickly wipes away the tears that threaten to fall. She gives me a warm smile. "You´re not bothering me. It´s just such a sad story. I feel sorry for Joe. What became of her? Are you still in touch?" Now it´s my turn to fight the tears. "No, we´re not." I whisper. "Want to talk about it?"

I shake my head. "No, not yet. I will, I promise. But before I tell you why we lost each other, which was my own bloody fault, I will tell you what happened after Joe had left. I hope it will help you to understand the aftermath when I start at the beginning. Joanna´s and my lives are so closely connected that you can´t tell one´s story without the other´s." Deanna cocks her brow. "Now I´m curious. Wait a second please, I need to visit the bathroom. By the way do you have any blankets in the house?"

I gasp. I haven´t even noticed that it´s past sunset. It´s already getting dark outside. "I´m sorry Deanna. I was so focused on what I wanted to tell you that I completely lost track of time. We can set another date and call it a night." Deanna, who was already in the house stopped in her tracks and turned around towards me. "No, it´s alright. I didn´t have plans for tonight anyway. I´m very glad that you have decided to talk to me. I´d like to stay and talk for bit longer if that´s ok with you."

I nod to show my agreement. "I appreciate that but what about Will?" "What about Will?" Her voice sounds innocent but her cocky smile spoke volumes. I roll my eyes. "He´s out with friends tonight. Don´t worry. By the way as lovely as this place is we are still in the middle of a counselling session. I must admit it´s a pretty long session but non the less it´s work in which Will would never interfere. You know that as well as I do."

"Thank you." I smile at her and she quickly turns around to find her way to the bathroom. "It´s the second door to the left." "Thank you." I hear a door closing and chuckle. I must admit against all odds it´s a really nice evening. I wonder how she will react to the rest of my story. I imagine the expression on her face turning from friendly to disgust and I shudder. Be strong Jeany, I remind myself.

I walk into my living room to fetch a blanket for Deanna and replicate a nice cup of Earl Grey tea and a cup of hot chocolate. When Deanna comes back I´m already waiting for her. I have put up candles for some light. Now the patio looks really cosy. Deanna settles back down on her armchair and wraps the blanket around her shoulders. She smiles at the cup of hot chocolate. "Thank you. That´s wonderful."

"I could order the computer to raise the temperature if you´re cold." I suggest. "No thanks. Sitting on the porch wrapped in a blanket with a cup of hot chocolate in my hands brings back my childhood memories. It´s nice." I grin broadly. "My pleasure. It sounds only fair." When we are both comfortable in our chairs again I continue

"The first year is the hardest, you know. There was the first vintage without her. We´ve always had a huge feast after we have finished the harvest. Everyone who has helped us with the hard work was invited. It has always been a great party with good food, good wine, music and a lot of dancing. Joanna loved it. It was strange when she wasn´t around this time.

Then there was her sixth birthday on the 13th of October. We all took a shuttle to Mars. It was a big surprise when we stood at her house loaded with gifts. It was funny and sad all the same. My father and Robert didn´t stay for the night but took a shuttle back home in the evening. Papa never left his vineyard for a long period of time and I guess Robert didn´t feel very welcome at Dani´s place.

Maman and I stayed for a few days and it was great. Joey showed me her place and her school. One day I even met a friend of hers who came over for a playdate. It hit me when I saw them together. There were not many kids at her age at home. She had spent the most of her time alone or with Jacques and me. Although Maman always complained about us acting like kids we were still grown men and no match for a little girl.

I eventually understood why Dani wanted to leave. It was for Joanna´s sake and probably not too bad an idea. Danielle and I finally began to open up to each other again. We got along pretty well until she announced to leave La Barre. She told me about Robert and their fights. It was almost always about raising Joanna. Danielle wanted her daughter to grow up as a normal happy child.

Knowing the difference between Pinot and Bordeaux at the age of three wasn´t her idea of a normal life. And there were also no playfriends for Joey at the vineyard. I remember when Dani was boxing me playfully on my shoulder. I didn´t want you to ruin my daughter for good, she teased me and I was offended but she was right, of course. It was great visiting them but we had to leave eventually.

When I said good-bye to Joe I gave her an additional birthday present. It was a silver bracelet . It was engraved with two words _meilleurs amis _- best friends." I look at Deanna. "Believe it or not. My six-year-old niece was my very best friend in the world. For my part she still is but that´s another story."


	18. Close to the chest

I pick up my glass and swirl the last sip of wine. While admiring its rich color my thoughts travel back in time. I reminisce about our first visit at Danielle´s new home and the first months after they had gone. Sadness overcomes me. It is the same empty feeling I´ve come accustomed to for the last four years and I hate it. "It didn´t take long before Joe called me the first time." I begin again.

"It was shortly after Joe´s first day at school. Her teacher had asked her to introduce herself to her classmates and eventually she was asked about France, the vineyard and about us. It was too much for her. She missed her home terribly and talking about it made it much worse. Especially when all the other kids had their families around. At least that´s what she felt back then. It´s wasn´t true, of course. Many families are splattered over the Alpha Quadrant. It was then as it is now. When Joe was asked to talk about her home she felt homesick.

When she came home from school the first thing she did was calling me." I notice a change in Deanna´s features. Her face shows compassion but she remains silent so I continue. "Joanna is very proud, you know. She is determined and all too often very stubborn." Now Deanna chuckles. "It runs in the family, I know." I admit with a smirk. "So when she called me she played it cool. Even at her young age she kept her cards close to the chest. Instead of telling me about school and that she missed us she began asking about how things are going. She asked about her father and her grandparents and about me, of course. She never mentioned a thing about herself.

The moment I saw her face I knew that something was wrong. When I asked her she fell silent. It took me a while to coax her into telling me about what´s troubling her and when she finally did she burst into tears. It was hard for me to see her like that. Losing your home and the bigger part of your family is very painful. A little girl shouldn´t suffer from such a great loss. I´ve never seen her so upset. At least not until Danielle had decided to change Joe´s life so drastically.

I remember feeling very helpless in that situation. I didn´t know what to do. Joanna had to accept her new life and try to make the best of it. I had no clue how to help her coming to terms with that. We´ve talked for a very long time that night. It was really late and I was very tired but I didn´t have the heart to close the connection. Eventually I had to call it a night but we agreed to talk often and I promised to tell her about all the things that happened around here so she could at least pretend that she was still at La Barre. It quickly became our routine to talk in the evening. It was soon our daily custom and stayed that way for many years."

I pause to take the last sip of wine and put down my glass on the table. "It took me a while to wonder why she called me instead of her father that night or the all other nights ever since. She called Robert every now and then, too but she never kept in touch with him as often as she did with me. I think she felt betrayed by him when he didn´t stop Danielle from moving to Mars. I honestly don´t know what Danielle had told Joanna about her father. I think she knew about the fights pretty well. We all did and Joe wasn´t stupid. Bit by bit she withdrew from Robert and he never managed to reconnect with his daughter.

It was his own fault, I think. He made the wrong choice a few years later and in the end he had to pay the price." The moment I speak that last sentence realization begins to dawn on me. I remember the choices I´ve made in my life and the price I had to pay for them. Robert despised me for the things I´ve done. Right now I´m not sure if his refusal towards me hasn´t begun much earlier. "What is it?" Deanna shifts forward and looks straight at me. "Uhm, what? I´m sorry" I reply startled. "Something´s changed. I can feel your remorse." she explains. I shake my head and shrug. "It´s about my brother. I think I´ve misjudged him terribly."

"What do you mean?" I take a deep breath. "There was a time when my doings ended in the fallout with my brother. Although I understood why he was mad and that it was my fault I destroyed our bond, I blame him for things ending in tragedy. Well, I mostly blame myself but I am disappointed that he never even tried to understand me and the reasons I had. Now I realize that it was me who didn´t see his suffering and pain that must have started many years earlier. I must admit I´m very confused. Perhaps I am reading more into things that are really there."

I sigh deeply. "I caused them all so much pain. They caused me so much pain. Hell, Robert and my father made my life misery but now I´m not so sure about things anymore." I pause for I´m at a loss of words. Thoughts and images are spinning in my head. "I wish I could go back in time and talk to him." "What would you tell him?" Deanna asks. I sigh deeply. "I don´t know. I think I would make more of an effort to be there for him when he lost his family. I think I´ve missed a chance to become friends with my brother." I swallow hard. "And now he´s gone."

"What happened?" Deanna asks. I think about how to explain everything to her but I don´t know how or if there is a way to put things into proper terms. In the end things are pretty simple but I don´t want to lose my face to Deanna. I´m ashamed of what she might think of me. "Jean, there is nothing to be afraid of." I moan slightly. "Did you read my thoughts again?" I ask. "No." she states obviously taken aback. "I just felt your reluctance. That´s all." I nod but feel grumpy.

I quickly dismiss my discomfort. She´s doing her job and she´s empathic. It´s really not her fault, I remind myself. "Deanna, I´m not afraid." "Yes, you are." I hate when she´s doing this. "Well, I´m uncomfortable." I offer. I don´t want her to think she is the reason for it, at least not primarily. "I´m afraid you might misinterpret... I mean..." I clear my throat and start again. "Well, I don´t want you to get the wrong idea of me." I finally manage to say.

I look at Deanna and see a frown on her face. "Why do you think I might think ill of you?" she asks. "Because I know you will." Now it´s her turn to sigh. "You still have doubts talking to me, do you?" I nod and feel bad about it. Deanna smiles and gives my hand a short squeeze. "It´s ok. It´s good that you talk to someone. I´m feel honored that you chose talking to me. I won´t betray your confidence in me even when you doubt me and yourself every now and then. I promise to try not to push you further than you can go if you promise you´ll keep on working up your past. Deal?"

I let out the breath I was holding. Hearing her uttering those words makes me feel very relieved. "Deal." I smile. "So what happened?" I shake my head. I will tell her the story about me and Robert but under my terms. "First things first, Deanna. Before I tell you about my fight with my brother, I will tell you about how things turned out between Joanna and him. It all began when Danielle started dating a new guy."


	19. Connecting the dots

"His name was Roger Harris. He was a teacher at Joey´s school. Danielle had met him when she picked up Joey one day. They´d talked for quite a while and a few days later he asked her out. One date lead to another and after only a few months they decided to move in together. He proposed on their first anniversary. Danielle was very happy but it surprised me the most to find out that Joe liked him, too.

They had been living on Mars for two years by then and Joanna had finally moved on and found new friends at the colony. Dani and Roger had found a bigger house for the three of them which was only a short distance to Joe´s best friend at school. I guess things could´ve been really fine if they hadn´t decided to change Joe´s life again. It had been only two years since they´ve left La Barre. Joe was happy for her mother and glad as well because she really liked her stepfather.

Dani on the other hand didn´t agree to the fact that her daughter wouldn´t share her last name. She an Roger figured it would be best for Joe if Roger adopted her. Dani and Roger wanted to become a family and sharing the same surname would certainly be a suitable symbol for their new bond. They had asked Robert, of course and after a few days he reluctantly agreed to it but only if Joe would still be able to spend her summer holidays at La Barre, at least if she still wanted to. In the end they had talked to Joe. It was nice of them to ask her although they should have known that they´d built up a lot of pressure upon that little girl."

I shake my head in frustration. "She was only eight years old." I exclaim. "She agreed to it. What other choice did she have? Her mother would be getting married to Roger and they already lived together. Joanna was afraid to affront Roger but she was also afraid her family on Earth might feel betrayed, too. So she agreed bravely when she was asked but called me as soon as she was able to talk to me alone.

I can still remember her face when she called me. She was drenched in tears. Joey couldn´t believe her father gave her away like that. I knew that this wasn´t true. I´ve seen Robert pondering about his decision for days. He had spoken to my father and my mother at length. Finally they´d agreed that enabling Dani and Joe a fresh start would be best for all of them but he knew that he´d regret losing his daughter for the rest of his life.

Unfortunately Robert wasn´t the outgoing kind of person. He usually kept to himself and was really bad at sharing his innermost emotions with others. Joanna was no exception which was the reason for her wrong understanding of her father. It took me a while to calm her down that night. She was frantic and I understood her all too well. I begged her to continue to visit us. Sharing the same name wasn´t my understanding of family. Joey was a part us. Any adoption couldn´t change that. In the end she agreed to come to La Barre but only to see her grandparents and me."

"What about Robert?" Deanna asks. "Did he finally manage to explain himself to Joe?" I shake my head. "Well, yes and no. When she arrived at the vineyard a few months later he tried his best to talk to her but things remained difficult between them ever since. Joey even refused to call him Papa. She explained that her father was Roger now. She was right and Robert couldn´t argue against it." "So she called him by name instead?" "Yes, she did." Deanna runs her hands over her face. She looks tired.

"Is that the decision your brother made you mentioned earlier?" she asks. "Uhm, yes. You know, it never occurred to me that he was hurt and most probably jealous of my close bond to his daughter while she refused him as much as decency allowed. I feel ashamed and guilty for being so ignorant. All the time I thought it was them who kicked me out of their lives but now I realize that I have my share in this as well." A lump is forming in my throat while I ponder about my past and question the motivations for my actions.

"I always thought I was the victim of their conspiracy." "What conspiracy? What do you mean?" I jump slightly when I hear Deanna´s questions. I haven´t intended to speak out loud my last statement. Merde! I dismiss the questions with a small gesture. I really don´t want to talk about it right now. "Deanna, I think we should call it a night. We´ve been talking for hours and you look tired." Deanna smiles at me and nods. "You need time to think about your brother. I think that´s a good idea."

I´m glad she understands. I smile at her and mouth a silent "Thank you." Deanna gets up slowly and folds her blanket neatly before she puts it onto the chair. Then she steps around the table to give my shoulder a gentle squeeze. "Good night, Jean." I´m already deep in thoughts and don´t even notice the soft swishing sound of the holodeck´s doors closing behind Deanna.


	20. Brothers

"Robert? What are you doing here?" When I arrive at my loft I find my brother sitting outside on the veranda. An empty bottle along with a half empty bottle of wine is standing on the table next to him. In his right hand is resting a full glass of wine and judging by the ankle of his wrist Robert is about to spill its contents all over himself in a short matter of time. "Robert?" I ask again this time slightly annoyed. I´m not used to finding my obviously heavily drunk brother on my patio.

A small grunting sound indicates that he´s still conscious. "Jeany?" he half babbled half grunted. "Yes, it´s me. What are you doing here Robert?" I try again and I´m glad that this time he is straightening up a bit which also saves his wine and his clothes which otherwise would be most probably ruined. Wine stains are hard to come by, even in the 24th century. "I thought I´d come by to visit my daughter." he mumbled. Judging by his inability of controlling his tongue I guess he must have had more than these one and a half bottles of wine. I can barely understand a word he´s saying.

"Joanna´s not here." I explain and step closer to take the glass away from him. I think he´s had more than enough and I have no clue what to do with him if he passes out on my veranda. "Give it back to me. It´s mine. You already got my daughter. It isn´t too much to ask for leaving me at least the wine, is it?" Robert´s protesting sets me aback. "What do you mean I already have your daughter? I already told you she´s not here. It´s past midnight. I guess she´s sound asleep in her bed at YOUR house!"

I poke my index finger against his chest to make my point. Robert nods "Yes, she is. I think she´d prefer to spent her nights at your place, too, doesn´t she?" I shake my head in confusion. "What? Robert you´re drunk. You don´t know what you´re talking about. I think you should be going. Go to bed brother." Robert glares at me. Rage is clearly burning in his eyes. In a split second he jumps up from his chair right at my throat. I jump back in surprise. His sudden movement was somewhat unexpected considering his current condition.

"Robert, take your hands off me." I fume. I have no idea whats gotten into him and for the moment I don´t care at all. All I want is to get rid off him. I grab his wrists and twist them around to push Robert away from me, at least a bit. I must have put a bit too much pressure on him because Robert is wincing loudly. Surprised I let go of him and take a step back to increase the distance between us. Robert rubs his wrists while he stares at them like he´s seeing them the first time in his life. "What´s your problem, Robert?" I spit. I desperately try to keep my rage in check. I know he´s drunk and obviously troubled over something. I should show more compassion but right now the only thing I´d like to do is punching his face.

Robert´s voice is nothing but a low growl. "You took her. You took her away from me. She´s mine but like all else you took her." "Took who? Joe? I didn´t take anyone? You´re such an idiot." I snore and feel satisfied when I notice his fury burning up once more. "You little bastard gets everything you want, don´t you. You don´t care for a profession, you don´t care for a commitment in your life. You fuck every floozie you can find. If you didn´t have your father you´d be nothing. And now you took my daughter, too. She´ll soon be eleven years old. Care to fuck her, too?"

That was enough. In a blind fury I smash my fist into his face. I hear a cracking sound and blood is running out of his nose. Robert´s eyes widen in surprise. He feels slowly for his broken nose and his gaze wanders from his bloody fingers up to meet my eyes. I don´t see the expected rage. His eyes are calm instead, almost cold. "Get out." I hiss. I point my finger towards the door. "Get out." I yell and Robert leaves without a word.

=/\=

I don´t know how long I´ve been sitting on the holodeck since Deanna had left. Our talk brought back all kinds of memories especially the one of Robert that night so many years ago. I wonder why I reacted that way when Robert accused me of stealing away his daughter. He was drunk and shouldn´t be taken seriously and yet I was offended by his words. I´ve never even tried to question the true reason for his assumptions. I never saw his jealousy and the helplessness behind it. I was mad at him for his indications of inappropriate behavior towards Joanna.

It wasn´t true, of course. I´d never molest my niece. The mere thought of it still makes me as sick as it did that night. I wonder what would have happened if I had talked to him instead of punching him. He was alone and desperate. He reached out for me and I pushed him away. Well, he chose a very interesting way of reaching out to me but still he did. It never occurred to me that he could have chosen someone else to talk to. I never considered that he didn´t know how to start a conversation like that.

He wasn´t a man of words and talking about his fears was not his familiar ground. On the other hand I think it was his intention to meet me at my place. I think he wanted that fight. Sometimes it is much easier to blame someone else instead of oneself. I rub my face and let my hands wander through my hair. I briefly think about opening the other bottle of wine but dismiss the idea quickly. I´d be drunk for sure and I don´t want to wander the Enterprise corridors in a zigzag course. What would my crew think of me?

Joanna came to my place the next morning. She left as soon as breakfast was over. I was still sound asleep when she jumped on my bed to wake me up. "What have you done?" she inquired and when I didn´t react at once she started shaking my shoulder. I remember grumbling something like "Leave me alone" before I pulled the blanket over my head. I´d been up for a while after Robert had gone. Dawn has broken when I finally fell asleep. I was still very tired and not ready to get up, yet.

Of course, Joanna didn´t take no for an answer. She pushed away the blanket and I managed to stop her just in time before she took it off me completely. I used to sleep without my clothes on and Robert´s words were still ringing in my ears. "Care to fuck her, too?" I definitely didn´t want her to see me naked in my bed. I definitely didn´t want her in my bed at all. What if anyone especially Robert saw her right now?

I remember opening my eyes very slowly and growl "Okay okay I promise to get up. Would you go and fetch me a cup of coffee?" Joanna nodded quickly and slid out of my bed. On her way to my kitchen she stopped in her tracks for a moment. "Don´t fall asleep again." "I won´t" I sighed and sat up slowly to put on some sweatpants and a shirt. When I arrived at the kitchen Joanna had prepared a small breakfast for me and I thankfully took the offered cup of coffee. "You look tired." she stated and I chose not to answer.

She gave me a moment before she started her interrogation again. She knew me all too well. I was grumpy and moody when I didn´t get enough sleep. I guess I still am but who cares. "Why did you hit Robert in the face?" Joanna asked again. Her stern face reminded me of my mother´s. The memory hurt me back then because my mother had died a year ago and I missed her terribly. I still do especially at days spent on the holodeck with Deanna.

Joey frowns "So?" "It´s nothing" I mumbled in my cup. My brain wasn´t active enough to form useful sentences but I was awake enough to know that any wrong word might complicate the already complicated relationship with Robert and his daughter. Joanna climbed on the table to sit cross-legged next to my plate. "Don´t lie to my, Jean." "I promise I won´t. It´s just something between me and my brother. Nothing to worry about." I remember she didn´t buy it for one second but it would take years before I told her the full story of that night.

Things with Robert turned out to become very difficult. He never mentioned that night´s events ever since but I felt his reluctance towards me. As I said before Robert and I haven´t been close as brothers but eventually we had found a way to get along with each other. From that day on our relationship grew cold. He was polite and friendly but his smile never reached his eyes and I think his show of interest in my life was forced if not faked at all. I was too mad at him and too proud to try mending fences with my brother.

With my mother gone and my brother´s difficult situation I stayed at my place pretty often. My father invited me up to the house every now and then but I think he knew pretty well that things didn´t run smoothly between me and my brother. He never interfered. I guess basically because he hoped we would sort things out eventually. Unfortunately we didn´t. Instead of facing the demons and get straight with my brother I focused on my life instead which meant hard work at the vineyard and parties, girls and fun at the weekend.

And then there was Joe, of course. When she was around for her summer holidays we spent as much time as possible together. For those brief six weeks there was no party and no chick as important to me as Joanna. When she was back on Mars we continued to talk on a daily basis. She called me every night. Due to the time difference it was pretty late each time but I didn´t mind.

We´ve been close since the day she was born but the differences between me and Robert made her turning towards me even more. I had no idea I´d become so close and attached to another person any other than my mother. Guinan, who still came around every now and then, once told me Joanna was my soulmate. Either of us would miss his other half if we got separated. Back then I thought this was nonsense. It would take a few decades before I´ve learned how true Guinan´s words had been.


	21. Waterproof

I´m beginning to feel tired myself. "Computer what time is it?" "It is 0200 hours." the female computervoice responds immediately. Merde. I´ve got an appointment at sickbay in six hours. I should try to find some sleep. I moan slightly at the thought of my next physical. How many tests do they have to run before my CMO agrees to that I´m fine? I hate being at sickbay. It´s got nothing to do with my staff around there. They are all nice, very professional and highly skilled. I´m not sure why I dislike the place.

Perhaps it´s got something to do with what it resembles. Being healthy and fit is very important to me. I take good care of myself especially my body. I´m watching my diet and keep a daily workout routine. Before I was assigned as Captain of the Enterprise a strong physique and a healthy immune system was the key to my survival. I did a lot of training back then just to keep in shape. I still do, just in case. Well, I guess being summoned to sickbay meant I wasn´t as fit as I believed I was. Not a happy thought.

Never mind, right now I don´t have a choice anyway. All I can do about it is being nice and sit things through without making a fuss. At first I tried to protest which didn´t stop my CMO from doing the physical. It just took much longer. If I wanted to stay in command I´d have to do as they said. "Smile Jeany." I remind myself and get up from my chair. I pick up the two bottles and make my way to my quarters.

=/\=

I´m lying in my bed but even though I´m tired I can´t find no rest. I´ve been tossing and turning for over an hour but insomnia has its grip tightly on me. Images of Joanna appear the moment I close my eyes. She is very beautiful, always has been. Her even features, bright blue eyes, full lips everything is just perfect. She looks like a piece of art. Her face is framed by her raven-black long soft curly hair that reaches almost down to her waist. She´s tall for a woman, slender with endless legs. I can see her as clearly as if she was standing right in front of me.

I miss her so much that it hurts. Why did I go on that mission without her five years ago? Why didn´t I listen to her warnings back then? Why did I tell her all those ugly things that drove her away in the end? Why? I throw myself on my right side and punch my pillow to form a new comfortable mould again. I sigh deeply and close my eyes for the hundredth time that night.

"What the ...?" Joanna is sitting next to my deck chair I fell asleep on after I´ve returned from the vines. I was out with my brother and father to check on the grapes and plants. There had been a malfunction in the weather grid which ended in a heavy thunderstorm. The damage that was done to our vineyard had been severe. Today we went out to fix the trellises and mend the vines. I´ve worked very hard for hours and was exhausted. When I arrived at my loft I fell asleep on my deck chair at my patio at once.

I blink again and rub my face. Joanna is still sitting next to my chair and judging by her devious grin she´s up to no good. I remember the strange feeling on my chest that woke me up moments ago. I look down to check on me and gasp. It´s been a hot summer day which is why I went to work without a shirt on. I´m still wearing only my shorts. The skin on my chest´s left side wasn´t just tanned as expected but covered in a black ornamental pattern. Joanna is picking up a small mirror she had brought along and holds it up so I can see myself clearly. The pattern is running up along my collarbone to my left shoulder.

"You like?" Joe asks proudly and I look up from my reflection at her face and back again to my chest. I rub slightly but the color won´t come off. "What the hell did you do?" I ask alarmed without even trying to mask my surprise. Joey smile broadens and she shrugs. "You´ve been talking about getting a tattoo for weeks now but couldn´t decide to go through with it. So I decided to give you an impression of what it might look like." She obviously saw my skepticism and laughs out loud.

"Don´t give me that face, Jeany. I know that you are worried that grand-père won´t approve to it so I just painted the tattoo with a black marker on your skin. You´ve been sound asleep. You didn´t even notice until I was almost done. Do you like the design? I created it myself." I frown "Marker?" "Don´t be such a baby." Joe points at me theatrically. "It´s water-based, of course. It will be gone with the next shower."

She turns around to pick up the marker to hold it directly under my nose. It´s too close to read the details but one word stands out and catches my eyes. -_Waterproof-_ Joanna, who picked up my mood changing from confusion to rising anger follows my eyes and gasps when she notices her mistake. "Oops, I need to go." With that she jumps up almost made it to the slope that lead back to the main house when I catch her. I grab her tightly from behind and lift her up. Her feet are struggling in midair but due to my position she can´t kick me nor can she break free.

She shrieks with glee and laughs hard. "Look Jeany, I´m so sorry." she giggles. "I must have picked the wrong pen. I swear I never planned on doing this on purpose." I growl but barely manage to keep a stern face. Her giggling is infectious and so I´m laughing as well. I still hold her up and try to throw her over my shoulder. "Is there a punishment for drowning a fourteen year old niece after she deformed me for life?" "Deform?" she exclaimed "I´ve been working on this pattern for days!" she sounds truly offended but I don´t buy it.

"You knew it was waterproof, didn´t you." "No." she replies but I know her too well. The way she puts it she meant yes. I carry her over to my water butt and pretend to throw her into it. After the recent storm it´s filled to the top. "Nooo." Joe shrieks. "Did you do it on purpose?" I ask her again. "You are such an oger." she complains. "There is not much harm done, anyway. It will stay on your skin for a couple of days but it´ll disappear in the end. What is the point of getting a tattoo when you´re not able to walk around with a marker painting on your chest for a few days?"

She´s right of course but I can't resist dumping her into the barrel. Joey flails her arms wildly and water splashes everywhere. "Hey, what was that for?" she exclaims. It´s my turn to laugh at her. "You play, you pay."

The other day we went to Paris to get my first tattoo. I really liked her design, I still do. To get me out of trouble with my father, who is explicitly against tattoos I decided for invisible ink. Its pigments can be activated and deactivated which means I can choose if I want to show my tattoo or not. Joey and I also decided for another tattoo. Since her bracelet I gave her many years ago was far too small for her now she asked for another memento. She got my name tattooed on the sole of her left foot and I got hers. Best friends, soulmates or what else you might call us doing this felt very right and hurt a lot.

I turn on my back again. The chronometer next to my bed says it´s almost four o´clock in the morning. In four hours I´m due to my physical at sickbay. In about three hours I´d have to get up anyway so I could get up now just as well.


End file.
